When the final string breaks
by Casualtyfan9
Summary: Connie's had a rough time how will she cope when the final string breaks. Set in series 29. TW: involves character death, mention of self harm, depression and attempted suicide in later chapters. Some minor language
1. Chapter 1

What happens when all of the strings inside you break? When everything that held you together is gone. An accident involving myself and my colleagues, a colleague death, an accusation of patient neglect, of neglecting my child. My daughter left, she's in America with her dad. A friends death, an accusation of euthanasia. There's nothing left to break. Work. That's the only release I have but what abut when I'm too distracted to focus, I feel my hands starting to shake and I have to cover it. I held it in for so long that when the final string broke the pain absorbed me and I was rendered useless. A mere shell of my former self.

It started when I first joined the department, I felt it was my job to make it into the best ED possible through whatever means but people didn't like that, the suggestion that they weren't already. They hated me and then when Zoe stepped down from her position as clinical lead and I got the job they hated me even more. So the first string broke, there would be no friendships there.

Not long after my promotion I took a group of my doctors and one nurse to visit a failing hospital but we crashed on the way and some of my most promising doctors almost lost their lives. To make it worse Jeff was caught when the vehicle exploded and Dixie came back alone. The second string broke, it was my fault. Even if no one blames me I organised the trip against everyone's advice.

Then Hailey Blake's father came, left and returned only to die shortly after. And she blamed me, there was a court case against me and during that period of anger she also reported me for neglecting my daughter. The accusations where dropped but not without damage. Grace, my little girl left to go to America because I put the job above her. In truth that was entirely my fault. The third string broke, I almost lost my job and my girl left me.

And finally Alfred, a world renowned surgeon with MND, he came in for the first time after scolding himself with coffee and we eventually became quite close, so close in fact that he asked me to help him die, I refused of course and I told Charlie, the only one I trusted. When Alfred died people thought it was me and Rita reported me, I don't blame her either but it meant I ended up in jail. It was awful, I was found innocent and released but not without a severe risk to my career. A fourth string was broken, my job, my whole livelihood had been at risk and to top it all off I was having to go through it after the death of a very dear friend, a death I was being accused of.

There's nothing left for me to lose or so I thought. Straight after I was released me and Charlie went off to Bucharest where I stayed on for a bit and when I finally returned to the ED there was something seriously wrong.

Connie walked into the ED, gritting her teeth at the gossip that would follow, immediately after entering she had to walk past reception and no matter how much they tried to hide it there was a clear look of shock on everyone's face and all the conversations stopped until Noel eventually spoke. "Ah Mrs Beauchamp, here's what's been left for you and also a Mr Sam Strachan has been ringing every day to talk to you, he left a number somewhere." Noel searched the desk until Louise handed him a bit of paper

"Thank you" she muttered taking it from him and walking off but not before she heard Noel speak "So she's back then, I was hoping she'd stay away."

When Connie reached her office she immediately picked up the phone and dialled Sam's number he picked up after just three rings and sounded agitated. "Hello? Connie? Is that you?"

"Yes its me, Sam what is it that's so important you felt the need to ring every day."

"Thank goodness I've managed to get hold of you."

"Come on Sam I don't have time for this" she went to put the phone down

"No Connie wait! Its very important, I just don't know how to start."

"Just start at the beginning."

"Well recently me and Grace moved back to Holby, I know we should've told you but she didn't want to. Anyway I was driving her to school when we were cut up by a lorry. We ended up smashing into another car and she, she's in a coma Connie" he said as he started to get choked up. "We're at St James's, it it was closer. She needs you there Connie. I-it d-doesn't look good."

"I-I'm on my way" she said failing to hold her tears back

"Did you want me to come pick you up? You don't seem in a fit state to drive."

"I..." She considered it for a second and then admitted he was right. "Y-yes p-please." She then got her stuff together, composing herself she walked over to Dylan who was in the staffroom "Dylan I know this is probably very inconvenient but I need you to be in charge for a bit longer. I have to leave urgently."

"What?! You've only just come back"

"I know Dylan but this is something I can't miss"

"Can you at least tell me why?"

"Umm no its personal"

"Fine" he sighed at her stubbornness but accepted it.

"Thank you Dylan." She then rushed out of the apartment getting into Sam's car which was parked outside they sped off to see Grace. "Thank you for, for picking me up" she said trying to cover up her worry. "Its okay Connie." She just shook her head as the tears fell. Just then they pulled up outside St James's. She watched Sam get out of the car and saw him limp a bit and she remembered not only had he seen his daughter slipping away but he went through the ordeal as well. "Are you coming?" He called back to her when he realised she was hesitating.

She stayed there for a bit longer hoping that in that moment sat in his car it wasn't happening. Finally she decided she'd have to get out, he came back and she reluctantly took his hand as he helped her out. As they walked to where Grace was an awkward silence fell between them until eventually Connie could bear it no longer. "Why didn't you just ring my mobile?!" She yelled "I'd have come straight back. Do you have any idea how it feels to find out your daughters been in a coma for days and you were totally unaware?"

"The same feeling she had I imagine when she found out via the newspaper that her mother had been in jail."

"I... That's different"

"Of course it is"

"Well what the fuck was I supposed to do? Phone her up from jail 'oh hey baby by the way I'm in jail because someone I cared for died and they're accusing me of killing him' huh Sam?"

"She had a right too know"

"Yeah and I had a right to know you were back in Holby."

"She didn't want to see you! Connie she hates you. When she read the article she said good right where she belongs. You're only here now because legally you're still her guardian and next of kin and I felt you had a right to know."

Connie just stopped walking and stared at him shocked by what she'd just heard. "I... Maybe I should go."

"No I didn't mean that I'm sorry I wish we could get out of this fucked up situation. She's angry that you couldn't look after her and she says stuff she doesn't mean but I know she misses you." Connie just carried on walking and the silence fell between them again until eventually they reached Grace. Sam walked in first and Connie followed behind him dragging back a but for fear of what she might see. "Hey Gracie, Mummy's here to see you. I found her." He gestured for Connie to come closer she did so and almost ran out when she saw Grace whose face was covered in cuts and bruises, her arms and legs were in plaster and she looked terrible and lifeless.

She forced herself to stay and sat down next to Grace clasping her hand "hey baby its me, mummy's here. Come on that shock alone should wake you up. Please baby, please baby, wake up for mummy. Wake up please baby, please please please please" she hugged her and was crying hysterically by that point. Sam stepped in, pulling her away and leading her out of the room.

"Come on Connie, we don't want to distress her. Do we?"

"Why isn't she waking up? Sam make her wake up."

"Connie, we need to get used to the idea she might not wake up. Its a natural coma and she did arrest for 20 minutes."

"No! She has to! She has to wake up! My baby has to wake up!"

"There's a very high chance she won't. Are you ready to go back in?"

"I don't know Sam, I don't know anything anymore. I'm a doctor I should be able to make her better."

"We can't fix everyone Connie"

"But she's my baby, I should be able to fix her. I've failed her!"

"No you haven't."

"I put the job first, put myself first. I'm even doing that now. Thinking what I could do, how much I'd miss her. How I never got to make it right. Not on how she might never wake up, she might die and actually right now, no matter how much she can hear, she needs me."

"Come on then, compose yourself and let's go see her." Connie nodded struggling to compose herself, just as they were about to walk back in a nurse came running out.

"Her pulse is dropping and her pupils are unresponsive, they responded before. There are no doctors around!" The nurse said untactfully.


	2. Chapter 2

"Come on Con, we have to scrub up."

"She's our daughter we can't."

"If we don't she dies." Connie just froze "this is your chance, save her." Connie nodded slightly and followed him in. "She's arrested!" He started compressions as Connie just stared, "Connie bag!" The nurse stepped in as Connie just stood there holding Grace's hand. "Alright oxygen away, clear. Connie clear!" He grabbed her wrist and pulled her away as he pushed the button to shock Grace. "Alright she's back in sinus on the machine. Check her pupils now.' The nurse did so and then looked up at them.

"Her pupils have blown, brain death. Its the machine that's keeping her heart going."

"Very tactful you idiot. Find me a doctor now!" Sam yelled the nurse looked shocked and started to speak "S-sorry I just well you're doctor's so I..."

"You assumed we could take it! We may be doctors but she's still our daughter. Find me a doctor now!"

The nurse nodded timidly and managed to find one who'd just finished with another patient he walked in and checked Grace's ops

"You're right, Mr Strachan, Mrs Beauchamp, your daughter has suffered some serious trauma and her pupils have blown, this means there is no activity in her brain. We call it a brain death. The machines are the only reason she's breathing and has a pulse. With your permission we'd like to switch them off."

"No!" Connie screamed speaking for the first time since re-entering the room "you can't switch it off! You'll kill her please!"

"Mrs Beauchamp I truly am sorry but she's already gone its the machines that are keeping her alive."

"Then let them keep her alive! Please!"

"Mrs Beauchamp, you are a world class surgeon. You know what brain death is and I'm sure you've had cases like this. You have to let her go."

"She's my daughter! My baby girl!"

"I know, I know but you need to let her go."

"No! You can't kill her! Please don't!"

"Connie, Grace is gone." Sam spoke up.

"No she's not! She can't be! My baby!"

"Come on Connie, she's dead. We give our permission."

"No! No we don't! We don't give permission! You keep her on there! You keep her alive! That's your job." By this point Connie was entirely hysterical "She's not gone! She's not! She's only eleven! No! No no no no no no no no no..." Connie then collapsed to the floor in a crumpled heap. Sam bent down next to her and hugged her. He'd had lots of days to get used to the idea, she hadn't even had one. Eventually when she'd calmed down she got up and walked over to Grace

"She's so young. My baby. Grace, Grace baby if you can hear me I want you to know I love you. More than anything. And I know I never got it right, I always put the job first and I never got the chance to put it right. But that never meant I loved you any less. I guess in truth I was scared, I never admit but I'm terrified. My parents were so great I felt I'd never match up to that. But that's no excuse. I failed you and I'm sorry. I love you and know I'll never get the chance to show you how much. You were my hope, when everything went wrong I just had to look at you and it all seemed okay. Even when I was falling. My beautiful baby girl. I love you so so much, its okay to let go. I love you" she then hugged Grace's lifeless body before turning to the doctor.

"I give my permission" she said slowly tears streaming down her cheek. Sam then went over and spoke to Grace before they turned off the machine that was keeping her alive. "My baby." Connie just kept crying over and over.

And that was my final string, the string that held me together finally broke. My baby gone in the flicker of an eye. That pain absorbed me but what came next was the thing that would swallow me up. Because afterwards I would have to carry on knowing I would never see my little girl again.

Sam went back to St James's the next morning to say one last goodbye to Grace only to find Connie asleep with her body laid protectively over Grace's. He gently shook her shoulder causing her to jolt awake "w-wha?" She then looked at Grace and immediately burst into tears as it all came back to her. "Connie, let me take you home. You should get some proper rest." Sam said gently as he put his hand on her back. She didn't speak just collapsed into him so he gently stood her up and led her out to his car, he sat her down in the passenger seat and drove her back to her house. She was in tears the entire time and didn't speak a word. He kept trying to talk to her but she just shrugged it off until eventually they arrived at Connie's house, she got out and ran up, locking the door the second she was in so Sam couldn't get in. She just wanted to be alone.

I didn't know how to cope. All I wanted was my baby girl to come home and talk about her day or to ring me up from America I mean that wasn't ideal but it was better than this, this hell. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even go to work to take my mind off it. Nothing could take my mind off it, I didn't do anything just sat staring at walls letting it consume me. Yet again I did nothing, when she was dying I did nothing to save her. She died, another aspect that was my fault. I didn't stop it, I gave in and let them take her off the machine, I failed her again and again.

Charlie was sat in his office when he received the call from Connie telling him and he didn't know what to do. Did he tell the staff? To warn them or keep it to himself. She hadn't said not to after all. Rita walked in to find Charlie in a daze she had wanted to talk to him but it could wait.

"Charlie are you okay?"

"What? Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know you just seemed preoccupied."

"Well I... Its Connie, she rang me to tell me Grace had died."

"What?! How?!"

"A car accident apparently I don't know the details. The thing is do I tell the staff? They should know but is it right for me to say?"

"I know its hard but I reckon you're going to have to."

"But how?"

"Do you want me to be there with you?"

"If you wouldn't mind. Its just so hard, to lose one so close to our own especially someone so young. She was only 11 Rita."

"I know Charlie, I know." She said patting his arm "how's Connie?"

"She didn't sound good."

"Okay come on they need to know" she said as he followed her out. He called all the ED staff together before speaking

"I have some very sad news which I really wish I didn't have to relay. Earlier today Grace Beauchamp passed away. I don't know the details so please don't ask. We can only imagine what Mrs Beauchamp is going through so I ask you all to be gentle when she comes back, don't bother her with issues that either me or Zoe can solve or you could solve between you. Okay? If anyone needs to talk my doors always open. Thank you."


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: I will try to update this fairly regularly as at the moment I have most of it already written. Regular updates until I run out of material and until I go back to sixth form.**

It had been a week since Grace had died and no one had seen or heard from Connie. Sam rang her everyday too see if she was alright and if she was ready to talk about the funeral. Charlie rang everyday to try and talk to her, see if she needed anything, she'd left her car keys so he'd dropped her car back round her house and he had knocked on the door. Zoe went round every day to see how she was doing. But she didn't answer the phone or the door, they knew she was there's because she'd stand at the other side of the door until they left, watching and waiting. It was getting ridiculous and Charlie decided he had to stay, eventually she would have to let him in.

He drove round to her house and knocked on the door, as per usual her shadow appeared but she didn't open it just looked at him. "Connie, come on let me in. Please you're going to have to let someone in eventually." She just stayed where she was "Oh well, I'll just stay her till you do."

She didn't know what too do, she didn't want comfort she didn't feel she deserved it. Although the cold winter was creeping in and Charlie wasn't as young as he had been. Then again its not like he didn't have anywhere to go. But the sooner she let him in the sooner he'd go. No, she didn't deserve comfort. A constant battle in her brain she couldn't work out what to do. "Please Connie, I know you're hurting but just let me in. I need to know how you're doing."

"Why?" She whispered and he only just heard it "Its not like anyone cares."

"What makes you say that? Everyone's really worried about you. The EDs not the same without the ice queen."

"No its better. You don't need to lie Charlie."

"I'm not lying, I've got a card here, everyone's signed it."

"I don't believe it, you must've told them to."

"Nope I just said here's a card for Mrs Beauchamp anyone's welcome to sign it. Even some of your frequent fliers have signed it. And I've got loads of chocolate and flowers in my car. Connie they all care massively."

"No! No they don't. I don't deserve them to."

"Please let me in."

"No! Because you'll try and comfort me and I don't deserve it."

"What? Why?"

"I failed her Charlie. I couldn't save her. When she lost output I just froze and then I gave in. I let them turn the machines off. Its all my fault, I failed her and I deserve this."

"No you don't Connie. You froze, you're her mother its understandable..."

"It's not excusable."

"No from where I'm standing its excusable as well. She was brain dead, I know it's horrible to think about but at the end of the day she was already dead. You just allowed her to go, allowed her to find peace. You don't deserve to be hurting Connie, no one does. She wouldn't want this. Please just let me in." After what seemed like an age, she reluctantly unlocked the door and the second Charlie entered she collapsed into his arms. "I can't do this Charlie, there's nothing left for me."

The first thing Charlie noticed when he walked in was the big bags under her eyes and her sallow cheeks. Then when she fell into him he noticed how small she now was she had always been slim but now it seemed like she was just wasting away. "Connie" he said causing her to look up "when was the last time you slept? The last time you ate?"

"I haven't slept since that first night, I try Charlie but I get taunted by nightmares. I can't cope with them so I just don't sleep."

"And eating?"

"I can't remember, a week I think, I'm just never hungry. Or I eat it and it comes back up."

"Connie this isn't good."

"You think I don't know that Charlie?! I try so hard but it all seems pointless without her."

"I'll cook you something what do you fancy?"

"I don't know, there's not much in and I doubt I'll be able to eat much anyway."

"I'll go see then. Promise me you'll at least try."

"What's the point?" She sighed collapsing onto the sofa as Charie went to the kitchen.

A while later he returned with two plates of omelettes. "Here, I thought I'd keep you company." he said passing her one of the plates. She just stared down at it before finally picking up her fork she managed three mouthfuls before putting it down again.

"Come on you can eat more than that."

"I can't Charlie if I do I'll be sick."

"Please just try." She shook her head stubbornly. He sighed and went back to eating his own. When he finished he took both plates back to the kitchen and then came back "Come on let's get you to bed, you can try and get some sleep." She stood up and followed him, not bothering to get changed as she was in joggers already. Within about 10 minutes she'd fallen asleep. Charlie quietly snuck out and started tidying up the wine bottles and other rubbish before leaving to do some shopping.

He returned an hour later and he'd only just put the shopping away when he heard Connie screaming, so he ran upstairs to find her squirming and struggling, still asleep. Gently he placed a hand on her shoulder and started stroking her hair. "Connie." She snapped awake "you were having a nightmare."

"Oh, I... Sorry."

"No its okay. Try and get some more sleep."

"I can't. The nightmares will come back."

"Just try."

"Okay b-but can... Can you s-stay with me p-please."

"Of course, I'll be here when you wake up." He then sat down beside her and she fell asleep in his lap looking very young and innocent. And for the first time in a week Connie managed to sleep for at least 8 hours eventually Charlie fell asleep as well. Connie didn't wake up until 7 the next day and was temporarily confused, then remembering Charlie had been there she looked around for him but couldn't see him so went down to the kitchen to get a glass of water. There she found him cooking, "Hey, I snuck out last night to do some shopping, I got you enough for a week. And I thought I'd make you a fry up for breakfast."

"Thanks Charlie but I'm really not hungry. How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything. Please just eat something."

"I said I'm not hungry so I'm not hungry! Please go. I'll see you at work."

"What?"

"You heard me go!"

"No the other bit."

"I'll see you at work."

"I really think you should take some more time off. At least wait until after the funeral."

"But I don't know when the funeral is going to be."

"Oh whatever" Charlie said throwing his hands up in despair. "I'd have at least thought a thank you would be appropriate but its fine I should've just left you starving and sleep deprived." He then grabbed his coat and started to leave.

"Thank you and you're right." She whispered causing him to stop and look at her.

"Sorry, I don't regret coming I was just angry." He pondered for a second before speaking again "Connie, do you want a lift in since you're so stubborn and insist on coming in?"

"Well... No thank you Charlie I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Not really but yes I'll, I'll be fine."

He then left knowing better than to argue with her "I'll see you there then." She nodded and watched as he left before getting ready to leave herself. No matter how hard she tried for her classic ice queen look nothing really fitted properly and her eyes had lost their usual stern sparkle. She eventually gave up shoving on a dress as her skirts wouldn't stay up, not bothering with make up she left the house and drove to work in an eery silence. Eventually though she pulled up outside the hospital and taking a deep breath she picked up her bag and entered, preparing herself for the tense atmosphere she knew would greet her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Authours Note: Thank you to everyone who's reviewed so far, I may post another chapter later since I didn't put one up yesterday but no promises.**

The atmosphere was even more tense than she had thought it would be. All conversations stopped since no one knew what to say not even Noel. He just held out a pile of paperwork which she snatched from him before storming off to her office.

The second she'd left conversations struck up again but this time Connie Beauchamp was the only thing anyone was talking about. "Poor Mrs B. She looks dreadful." Noel said

"So would you if you'd just lost your daughter" Louise said back

"Yes but she's lost so much weight, she didn't have any make up on and she seemed to have lost her usual sparkle."

Charlie then walked past them "Alright that's enough gossiping, yes she's back, yes she looks different and frankly she could do without the comments thank you very much." Everyone who had been stood at reception scuttled off except for Robyn who came up to Charlie "How is she?"

"How you would expect her to be Robyn, she's grieving that does funny things to people. She's not a machine like you all seem to think. She is human. Anyway she just needs us all to treat her gently and not let her do too much okay?" Robyn nodded and then went back to work

"Did you manage to get in last night?" Zoe said causing him to spin around

"Yes, it was dreadful, there were wine glasses and wine bottles everywhere she told me she hadn't eaten or slept since it happened so I made her an omelette and she had all of three mouthfuls. I sent her to bed to try and sleep, amn hour later and I had to wake her up from a nightmare. She ended up asleep in my arms looking so vulnerable. I cooked her a fry up in the morning which she refused to rate and told me to get out."

"Oh wow, has she spoken to Sam recently?'

"I don't think so he rang whilst I was there but she just ignored it. She's shutting people out Zoe and I don't know what to do."

"For a start Nurse Fairhead you could stop gossiping and get back to your work." Charlie spun around at the sound of her voice and was about to protest but thought better of it so just walked off.

"You know he's only trying to help you" Zoe spoke up.

"I don't need help, I can manage perfectly fine on my own thank you very much"

"Sure. It certainly looks like it."

"Excuse me but do I have to remind you I am your boss."

"You are my boss but you're also my friend, you're the one who called me back after Jeff's death, called me back for you, because you needed me. Well I'm here Connie. Whatever you need, even if its just a shoulder to cry on I'm here." Connie looked for a second as rthough she might cave but shookm it off maintaining her icy composure.

"Connie Beauchamp doesn't cry and she doesn't need help."

"Right okay, you know its okay to admit you're really not okay. No one will judge you for it." She then turned and walked away leaving Connie shocked but she covered it storming off to her office.

When she reached it she sat down at her desk and picked up the picture of Grace. She stared at it for a long time before throwing it against the wall in a combination of hurt and anger. She then went over to pick it up but realised the frame was ruined so she sat down next to it with glass in her hands and wept holding the photo tight. A short while later she was still sat on the floor crying when Rita came to talk to her about rotas. Seeing Connie on the floor she stopped herself at the door, not knowing whether to go comfort her or not, whether it would be accepted.

Thinking she couldn't just leave her like that she knocked on the door gently and then let herself in. "Mrs Beauchamp, Connie. Is there anything you'd like a glass of water perhaps?" Connie looked up at Rita as if she'd gone mad. She wiped her eyes before speaking

"What makes you think I need help or would accept it from you?"

"Look I know what I did was wrong, I jumped to conclusions but that doesn't mean I can't care now."

"I almost lost everything because of you. I don't need your help."

"I really am sorry for what I did."

"How nice will you please go."

Rita reluctantly left seeing she wasn't going to get anywhere. No sooner had she left Sam walked in. "Do people not know how to leave me alone!?"

"Connie, I know this is hard for you hell its hard for me too but we need to plan the funeral and sooner rather than later."

"I'll sort it okay stop nagging"

"Look if you don't sort it by Friday then I'll sort it. I know you don't want to say goodbye it we have to."

"No we don't, a goodbye will make it real and final."

"I know but we can't drag it out. Would you like me to take over?"

"No I can mana... You know what, do it but we're the only guests, me and you."

"That's not fair Connie there are lots of people who deserve a chance to say their goodbye."

"No I can't deal with people who barely knew her crying and grieving."

"What about her Grandma, Zoe, Charlie, school friends?"

"Fine, me, you, her grandma, Charlie and Zoe but that's it. I can't cope with other peoples grief, I have enough of my own."

"This funeral isn't about you, its about Grace. She should be able to have everyone who loves her come to say goodbye, not just the people her mother thinks she deserves." Connie just stared at him blankly "That's what you really think that I'm forcing them on her? No I just... She's my baby girl why should I have to put up with everyone telling me they're sorry for my loss and how like her mother she was and she was too young and how much she must've loved me and a whole load of other bullshit."

"Its not bullshit, they are sorry, she was like you, she was too young and she did love you a lot."

"Yeah well why should I have to put up with a whole bunch of strangers telling me that, you say its true but its not. They're not sorry for my loss, they're sorry for their own. She wasn't like me because if she was then God help her. She wasn't too young, no ones too young she just wasn't old enough. And as for loving me I highly doubt that's true."

"Please just let me have anyone who wants to come." Connie considered it but the fear that people would either sympathise or see her for who she truly is was too great.

"I want to say yes but I don't want their sympathy"

"Why?"

"Because... because I-I don't deserve it... Sam, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve people telling me how sorry they are when it was all my fault, they should be telling me what a horrid mother I was because that's the truth but..."

"I understand, you don't want people there because they won't blame you so you'll feel guilty but also you're scared that they will blame you."

"What? N-n-no I want them to blame me."

"You don't not really, you just feel you deserve it. But let me tell you this, you don't deserve to feel guilty or to be blamed Connie, none of this is your fault."

"I wasn't there!"

"Yes but I was and that didn't make any difference did it! Connie this isn't your fault if anyone's its mine. I was the driver!"

"But I-I..."

"Connie please, you can't keep doing this to yourself. We weren't the only ones to love her Connie, let them come" Slowly and reluctantly she gave a slight nod as tears streamed down her cheeks he reached out and pulled her close holding her as she let it out.

"I just can't get my head around it... I can't believe she's gone. I just keep expecting her to call or to come running downstairs and then when she doesn't..." Her hand went up to her mouth as she cried.

"Its okay, it's going to be okay... I-"

"Its not going to be okay! My little girl is dead! How can it ever be okay?!"

"You know that's not what I meant... It will get better, the pain won't ever go away but it'll get better. I-"

"You what Sam?! You're sorry?! You understand?! What huh?!"

"Of course I understand! She was my daughter too!"

"Yes a daughter you didn't even care about for at least the first year! You wanted nothing to do with her! And then you... You killed her! It was you like you said you were the driver! You did it! You! You! Get out Sam! Get out of my office! Now!" He just stared at her with tears in his eyes before walking out. Everyone at the nurses station had stopped to stare and they all saw Connie shut the door and slide down the other side with her head in her hands. But no one dared to comfort her for fear she'd bite their head off.


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors note: As almost promised here's a second chapter for today, I'm not sure when the next one will be up because I haven't written it yet so sorry for any delay. Also the next chapter will probably be the last and tie up all the loose ends.**

In the week leading up to the funeral Connie was very snappy with everyone, she seemed more and more tired every day and it was clear to everyone that she still wasn't eating. And before long she was back at her home preparing herself for the funeral. What do you wear to the funeral of your only child? In the end she decided on a plain black dress that used to cling tightly showing off her curves but now was loose and almost swallowed her. She thought about putting make up on but decided against it since she knew she wouldn't be able to stop the tears so she just went downstairs where she poured herself a large glass of wine to 'calm her nerves'.

All of a sudden there was a knock on the door which caused her to jump spilling wine down the front of her. She cursed before going to answer the door. "Who is it because I really don't have the time today!"

"You think I don't know that" Sam's voice came back. Connie sighed before opening the door

"What do you want?" She snapped.

"I came to take you to the funeral, are you wearing that?"

"I was but then you come barging in here and make me spill wine down myself."

"Go get changed I'll soak that dress for you."

"I can manage Sam, I don't need your help." She said as she stormed out coming back in a black shirt and skirt.

"You look great, are you ready?"

"No of course I'm not ready!" She snapped eyes filled with tears

"Come on then" he said putting his arm around her and leading her to the car they'd be going in.

Following behind the hearse Connie didn't take her eyes off the small coffin the entire time as she watched her baby paraded through the streets. When they got to the church Connie almost fell over as she got out of the car her limbs not seeming to work. She didn't want to go in but she couldn't not. Sam came round and gave her his arm in order to prop her up as everyone's heads turned when they walked in behind the coffin. They took their seats at the front of the church next to Zoe, Charlie and Grace's grandma Connie's eyes still on the coffin. It was all a blur as the vicar spoke, then Sam stood up to speak, before she knew it it was her turn to speak.

"Grace was my only child and she was all I cared about. Most people call me the ice queen and say I have no heart, but its just a shell, its always been just a shell. I loved, I love Grace more than anyone and she was taken far too young. My baby, my little girl I keep thinking she'll come down the stairs and demand we watch Frozen or demand the newest phone or some new clothes. I look through my phone and there's just constant photos of her or selfies we've taken together. And to think those times will never be again." She bit her lip before turning to face the coffin "Grace, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, I love you and I never said that enough. I love you so so much" she said and then burst into tears as she tried to continue. "You were everything, everything to me and I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry I wasn't there. Wherever you are now and whatever you're doing, if-if you can hear me I love you Grace. Mummy loves you so so much" she almost collapsed to the floor as she stood by the coffin tears streaming down her face.

Sam then stood up and led her back to her seat as she cried into him and the vicar continued. Finally they took the coffin away and Connie let out a scream before falling to the floor, she was inconsolable as she just screamed no over and over until eventually she had no more tears to cry and she just sat there staring. By this point everyone had left except for Charlie, Sam had been going to but Charlie had gestured for him to go.

"Come on Connie, let's get you home." He led her out to his car and drove her home as she just stared out the window. "I know it doesn't seem it now Connie, but..."

"Don't you dare say it gets better Charlie. Just don't even think about it."

"Alright, alright. Connie I know its hard and I can't pretend to understand but I do have some insight."

"You had to suffer for what 2,3 hours at best. That's nothing! I'd give anything to swap, anything." She then continued to stare out the window until they reached Charlie's house. "Why are we here?! I wanted to go home."

"We thought it would be better if you stayed with me."

"Oh you did did you? No I want to go home, take me home Charlie! Please"

"Fine if that's what you really want."

"It is I want to be alone." He then drove her back to her house and she got out bidding him goodnight he watched as she walked to the door. When she was inside she again poured herself a large glass of wine in the hope to numb the pain she felt and the emptiness. She then got out her phone flicking through all the selfies they'd taken together and stopped at one from just before Grace left for America, the memory of a happier time threatened to absorb her until she could take it no more her fist punched into the glass cabinet next to her, shattering it and leaving shards of glass in her hand. She just stared at her hand before carrying on drinking, she got through two and a half bottles before she finally collapsed on the floor letting the numbness overwhelm her.

An hour later Charlie pulled up outside her house, he'd been sat at home and eventually it got too much for him. He couldn't leave her in that state so he'd got back in the car and driven back. Knocking on the door there was no reply and he started to worry, there didn't seem to be any sign of her. He considered giving up but then he noticed a shadow on the floor in the hall and knew he had to get in.

He searched all around outside trying to find a key but had no luck so eventually he decided he'd have to find another way in. Just as he was about to give in Connie neighbour came out.

"Hello? Can I help you?"

"I'm Charlie Fairhead, a nurse where Connie works and her friend. I came to see her and she seems to have collapsed."

"Oh I have a key, I'll let you in. But you're on your own pal I don't want to be involved in her mess."

"Thank you" Charlie nodded as the neighbour let him in and left. Running over to Connie he noticed a faint pulse and her hand was bleeding, he found a first aid kit and started patching her hands up as he frantically called an ambulance.

A little while later Dixie and Iain ran in "Right what have we... Charlie? Connie? Did its Connie" Iain yelled "Collar and board quick." Dixie came running in and they headed off, "Better give them a heads up Charlie."

"Can't we take her to St James's?"

"There's not time Charlie."

"Of course sorry I'll call them." He did so as they hurried. Arriving at the ED Zoe was waiting with Rita, Cal and Robyn "Straight through please Dixie what have we got?"

"Connie Beauchamp age 45, severely intoxicated. KO'd at the scene, weak pulse regained consciousness in the ambo but was confused, significant blood loss from the right hand with glass imbedded. GCS of 9 his B/P is 85 over 60, his sats are 95. She refused pain relief."

They started treating her as she lay unconscious. Half an hour later Connie woke up to see Rita checking on her.

"Ah Connie, you're awake at last."

"W-what h-happened?"

"Charlie found you unconscious at home, passed out from a lot of alcohol, we had to pump your liver. You also had a lot of glass in your right hand which resulted in significant blood loss. We've patched you up but you'll be groggy for a few days."

"How much alcohol?"

"Enough to almost kill you so I must ask were you trying to take your own life?"

"I don't know. I honestly can't remember. Maybe, probably. Its a very high chance. I miss her so much all I can remember is drinking wine to numb the pain and then waking up here." She started crying from shock "what am I doing Rita? Ever since I became clinical lead it all went wrong for me. Everyone hated me more, Jeff, Hailey Blake, Grace, Alfred, Prison and Grace again."

"Its alright, we're all here to help you."

"Even you? After the way I've treated you?"

"Even me I know we haven't always got on and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for what I did to you and I hope we can start again?"

"Maybe we can. I'm sorry for how I treated you the other day."

"Its fine, you're grieving you have an excuse."

"Not really but thank you for saying so"

"Truce?" Rita asked Connie just nodded in reply as Rita put an arm round her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors note: So here we are, the final installment of When the final string breaks, I hope you've 'enjoyed' it and thanks for reading. Sorry this chapters a bit short it just ties it all up.**

That night I went home with something different about me. My only daughter was, is dead and that pain will never go away but it brought me one thing. Reconciliation. Grace's death broke down the barriers that I'd fought so hard to erect, the icy exterior. I always felt that forming friendships with people was a mistake. How do you hide your weaknesses? And friendships with colleagues are worse. How can you ever expect to have authority over your friends? That's what I used to believe anyway but I was wrong. They supported me and that was something I needed at the moment. They supported me after the way I treated them.

I used to think that when the final string breaks that's it, you muddle through life, barely living until at last you die. But I was wrong because its never too late to form new strings. First it was Rita and then the others followed suite, I wasn't their friend exactly but I wasn't an enemy either. Then I formed a bond with Dixie, we talked about Jeff and I eventually came to the realisation that it wasn't my fault, of course it wasn't, I organised the trip but Ethan drove, the other car smashed into us, Ash was stuck, Jeff wasn't quick enough. But it was no ones fault, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. There was only one thing that wasn't sorting itself...

Grace, she died, she died and I never got the chance to tell her how much I love her, she died hating me never wanting to see me again. I guess she got her wish. Or so I thought...

A month later Connie was finally getting round to clearing out Grace's room and it seemed Sam had the same idea because he arrived at her house with a pile of Grace's things that he didn't want. "Connie I brought some of Grace's stuff so you can see if you want to keep any or if we should get rid of it. Also I found this in her room, its addressed to you." He held out an envelope which she took, opening it she found a letter from Grace and Sam watched as she read it tears sliding down her cheek by the end.

"What..." She held it out to him but then took her hand back

"Before you read it be warned she wrote it on that day. I'm sorry" she said as she started to cry holding out the letter so he could read it.

'Mummy, This letter might come as a shock to you since we're not in America anymore, we're in Holby. I don't want to see you, not yet. I never wanted to leave England but you forced me and I guess I'm angry or I was. I thought you hated me and that's why you sent me away but I know now that's not true. You were struggling because of that crash and so you threw yourself into work, I understand, its all an act really isn't it. Anyway I didn't want to tell you we were back because you had too much going on, but today's your birthday so I think we might surprise you but sh Dad doesn't know yet. You'll have seen me before you get this but if he won't let me then I want you to know I love you so so much and I know you love me too. None of what happened was your fault and maybe now we could make it work? Lots of love Grace'


End file.
